


When Autocorrect Strikes

by addict_writer



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: DYAC, Do not eat or drink while reading, F/F, Humor, M/M, Texting, autocorrect fails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 04:36:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19243972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addict_writer/pseuds/addict_writer
Summary: A series of text messages exchanged by the gang.





	When Autocorrect Strikes

**Author's Note:**

> There's no actual plot. Inspired by the most hilarious DYAC from the internet.  
> I completely blame Queen Tuneesha for this. She threw this plot bunny at me.  
> Warning: Do not eat or drink while reading!

****

 

 

**1\. Brian’s Broken Finger**

**Michael:** I’m curious. How did Brian  
break his MIDDLE finger?

 **Justin:** His finger got stuck in my butthole

 **Michael:** WHATTTT??

 **Michael:** O_O

 **Justin:** Shit! My buckle! Belt buckle.

 **Michael:** That’s the funniest this I heard ALL day!

 **Justin:** I might be tight, but not THAT tight. :p

 **Michael:** TMI!

  


**2\. Debbie’s Pasta Bowl**

**Michael:** How was your day, Ma?

 **Ma:** Cleaned the house, paid the bills, made pasta

 **Ma:** I just gave Carl a huge boner and  
now he’s passed out on the couch

 **Michael:** EWWW! I don’t need to know THAT!

 **Ma:** Oh, goodness! I gave him a huge bowl.  
Of PASTA. I’m laughing.

 **Michael:** I’m glad you are, cuz I’m gonna barf.

 **Ma:** Don’t be a drama princess!

  


**3\. Daphne’s Weird Habits**

**Justin:** Hey! What are you up to?

 **Daphne:** Just finished masturbating. It makes me  
feel so relaxed so I can go to sleep easier.

 **Justin:** Awkward…

 **Daphne:** Shit. I meant menstruating.

 **Justin:** Not any less awkward…

 **Daphne:** OMFG!! I meant meditating!  
What is wrong with my phone?

  


**4\. Lindsay Needs an Upgrade**

**Lindsay:** So I need to face the fact that  
I need to upgrade to a bigger pussy

 **Mel:** WHAT?

 **Lindsay:** Mine is a disaster all the time.  
It doesn’t have enough compartments  
to keep it organized well enough.

 **Mel:** So you mean purse?

 **Lindsay:** … yes

 **Mel:** I was wondering if everything I knew  
about pussy was a joke. Does it come  
in compartments nowadays?

 **Lindsay:** Stop making fun of me!

  


**5\. Daphne Has Goodies**

**Justin:** There’s no food at Brian's place!  
I’m starving.

 **Daphne:** Come over! I’ve got some tasty  
stuff in my panties.

 **Justin:** I bet you do! HAHAHA

 **Justin:** Though, I’m not your guy if you  
get what I mean.

 **Daphne:** HAHA!! Pantry. Stupid phone.

 **Daphne:** Come raid my panties.

 **Justin:** Seriously! HAHAHA

  


**6\. Easter brunch**

**Justin:** You want us to cook anything special for Easter?

 **Tuck:** I’m good with anything.

 **Tuck:** but your mom and I have not stopped  
talking about your dick since we  
had it at Christmas.

 **Tuck:** So juicy.

 **Justin:** Juicy Easter dick. Got it.

 **Justin:** Now I’m afraid to ask what you want for dessert.

 **Tuck:** Oh, God! I mean DUCK!

 **Justin:** I figured.

 **Justin:** Now Brian’s jealous that you had my  
juicy dick without his knowledge.

 **Tuck:** Maybe his sweet seed for dessert?

 **Justin:** I’ll pretend I never read that.

  


**7\. Justin’s Not Feeling Well**

**Justin:** Brian, can you stop by the pharmacy?

 **Brian:** Sure. What do you need?

 **Justin:** I think I’m getting dick and our room is so HOOOT

 **Justin:** Read that as SICK

 **Brian:** I’d ask who’s dicking you,  
but I’m laughing too hard.

 **Justin:** So would you?

 **Brian:** Dick you? Any time.

 **Brian:** I’ll get you some flu meds.

 **Justin:** You’re the best! And wtf.  
My phone is weird.

  


**8\. Always Wash your Booty**

**Brian:** What’s up?

 **Justin:** Not much. Washing my booty. You?

 **Brian:**????

 **Justin:** Yeah, people keep stepping all over  
my booty and getting them dirty!

 **Brian:** People step all over your booty?

 **Brian:** Point them out to me so I’ll break their legs.

 **Justin:** OMGG! I MEANT BOOTS!

 **Brian:** You scared me there for a second.

 **Justin:** Hahaha! It would have been interesting  
for people to step over my ass.

 **Brian:** Gives new meaning to that song –  
These boots are made for walking.

 **Justin:** HA!

  


**9\. Mother’s advice**

**Mom:** Are you eating enough fruits and vegetable?

 **Justin:** I’m trying to eat better, yes.

 **Mom:** Good for you! Remember, an asshole a day  
keeps the doctor away!

 **Justin:** Great advice, Mom!

 **Mom:** An apple a day keeps the doctor erect!

 **Mom:** Oh, dear God!

 **Justin:** I’ll keep that in mind next time Brian and I  
roleplay. He’ll be the doctor and I’ll eat an apple.

 **Mom:** This is not funny!

  


**10\. Mix Up**

**Mom:** Can I call you later?

 **Mom:** I’m taking Molly to see Satan.

 **Justin:** Wow! I know she’s a handful,  
but that seems kinda harsh. LMAO

 **Mom:** Santa!!!! I’m laughing so hard.

 **Justin:** I see why you mixed them up.

  


**11\. A Present for Debbie**

**Michael:** I want to buy mom a pet bird.  
Maybe a parrot?

 **Emmett:** Oh, that’s cool!

 **Emmett:** What I was in my early teens,  
I had a COCKATTACK

 **Michael:** Oh, didn’t we all?

 **Emmett:** HAHA! I meant cockatoo!

 **Michael:** How many times have you typed cockattack?

 **Emmett:** Too many, apparently!

  


**12\. Unusual Present for Jennifer**

**Brian:** What did you get your mom for her birthday?

 **Justin:** I got her the anal beads she always wanted

 **Justin:** SHIT! Akyoa pearls

 **Brian:** Nice visual! I was about to ask if there’s something  
I didn’t know about Mother Taylor.

 **Justin:** Ewww!

  


**13\. Emmett’s New Adventure**

**Emmett:** I’ve never been to Neverland.

 **Emmett:** mmmmmm can I fly?

 **Teddy:** Sure. You need some fart dust?

 **Teddy:** Fairy dust! LOL

 **Emmett:** FART dust! I’m laughing so hard!

  


**14\. Color Change**

**Justin:** Where did you go?

 **Brian:** I’ll be black soon!

 **Justin:** Huh?!

 **Brian:** BACK. I’ll be back soon.

 **Justin:** No fun in getting a guy’s hopes up like that,  
then taking away the fun.

 **Brian:** I thought there were no complains  
about my dick length.

 **Justin:** Just get back here already!

 **Brian:** I’m at the store to get condoms!

 **Justin:** Oh. Buy lots!

  


**15\. Measuring**

**Justin:** So I was bored in class and decided to  
measure my penis. I used it too much  
because guess what!

 **Justin:** It’s a centimeter!!

 **Brian:** That’s a lie. Unless you used the sharpener  
before measuring it…

 **Justin:** LOL! I meant pencil.

 **Justin:** That’s awkward.

 **Brian:** If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re  
a grower, not a shower.

 **Justin:** Fuck off!

 **Brian:** Now focus in that class I’m paying for!

 **Justin:** Asshole!

  


**16\. Nasty Bees**

**Mother Taylor:** I heard Justin was stung by a bee.  
Is he okay? Did he need the hospital?

 **Brian:** No hospital.

 **Brian:** He had to take the deep penis, though.

 **Mother Taylor:** Uh… What?

 **Brian:** I had to inject him the epic penis.

 **Brian:** Christ! EPI PEN!

 **Mother Taylor:** I was beginning to wonder if there was  
some unorthodox way to save him from his allergies.

 **Brian:** Hahaha! My dick might be a miracle  
to humankind, but it’s not able to save his life.

  


**17\. Kinnetik Business**

**Theodore:** Forgot to text you walrus.  
The deposits have been made!

 **Brian:** Who are you calling a walrus?

 **Theodore:** Shit! That was supposed to be  
earlier NOT walrus.

 **Brian:** I totally blame Justin for the few  
extra pounds, but I haven’t crossed the  
threshold to walrus.

 **Theodore:** You’re still a baby seal.

 **Brian:** You’re fired!

 **Theodore:** See you on Monday!

  


**18\. Not a Good Day**

**Brian:** Can we set up a meeting today?

 **Melanie:** Today isn’t good. I’ll be in and out of cunt.  
Tomorrow will be better.

 **Brian:** We all know you’re a carpet muncher,  
but can’t you pull out of Lindsay’s muff  
for one hour to meet with us?

 **Melanie:** Oh, no! I meant court.  
That was autocorrect.

 **Brian:** Somehow I don’t believe you.  
Autocorrect never lies.

  


**19\. The Meeting**

**Brian:** I REALLY need you to bone with me in  
about ten minutes!

 **Cynthia:** Are you on drugs?

 **Brian:** What, no?

 **Brian:** FUCK! I meant cum!

 **Brian:** COME.

 **Brian:** Come with me to meet the car company representative.

 **Cynthia:** Now that you asked so nicely…

  


**20\. Preparation for an Important Meeting**

**Theodore:** Boss Man, are we still on for  
the 4 o’clock meeting?

 **Brian:** Yes.

 **Theodore:** Is it okay if we meet at 3:30 so  
we can exchange a brief cunnilingus beforehand?

 **Brian:** Excuse me?

 **Theodore:** I have no words. I typed conference. Sorry!

 **Brian:** wow.

 **Brian:** Your phone worries me, Theodore.

 **Theodore:** You and me, both.

  


**21\. The Best News**

**Justin:** Brian’s homosexual!

 **Michael:** Didn’t we all know that?

 **Justin:** Homo Hot Lips

 **Justin:** Hot Tulips

 **Justin:** He’d HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL!!!

 **Michael:** Great news, though, I’m dying of laughter.

 **Justin:** I was getting fisted with the autocucumber

 **Justin:** FRUSTRATED!

 **Michael:** Just stay with Brian, and far away  
from your phone.

  


**22\. A Real Show**

**Justin:** Can’t wait for the strip tease show you promised me!  
I’m going to sit you in a chair and ride your cock so  
hard when you’re done!

 **Mom:** Whattt???

 **Justin:** That’s so embarrassing! Please disregard.

 **Mom:** I don’t think that was meant for me.

 **Justin:** I’m gonna jump off the bridge now. Bye.

 **Mom:** Brian will miss a night of fun of what I hear…

 **Justin:** Mom! I’m sorry, seriously.

  


**23\. The Moth**

**Justin:** Brian! Pick up your goddamn phone!

 **Brian:** What do you want? Are you texting  
me from the toilet?

 **Justin:** There’s moth outside the bathroom door.  
Can you kill it?

 **Justin:** Brian? Please.

 **Justin:** I’m gonna blow you, I promise.

 **Brian:** Brian is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.

 **Justin:** This is not funny! I’m going to scream!

 **Brian:** I like it when they play hard to get.  
Love, Moth.

  


**24\. Brian being Brian**

**Mikey:** Hey, what’s up?

 **Brian:** My dick.

 **Mikey:** No, I mean… what are you doing?

 **Brian:** Justin.

 **Mikey:** I’m serious here.

 **Brian:** So am I.

  


**25\. Sickness**

**Justin:** Feeling better? Is the fever down?

 **Brian:** I took anal two hours straight.  
It felt awesome!

 **Justin:** what.

 **Brian:** Fuck! I swear, I wrote a NAP.

 **Justin:** LOL

 **Justin:** I was beginning to feel betrayed.  
I’m the only one privileged to go near your ass.

 **Brian:** That’s all sorts of wrong.  
Anal for two hours. *shudders*

 **Justin:** That’s no fun. My ass can attest to it.

  


**26\. Emergency**

**Justin:** Mom! I need you to bring over scissors.  
I’ve got cum in my hair.

 **Mom:** No need to cut it, honey. Just wash it.  
I’ve had so much cum in my hair. It will be okay.

 **Justin:** I’m going to be sick. I meant gum.  
The phone changed it to cum.

 **Mom:** Oh my!

 **Justin:** So scissors? Gus spat his gum in my hair.

 **Mom:** I’ll be right over.

  


**27\. Hunger**

**Justin:** I’m so horny! I want a hot dong right now!

 **Daphne:** And why are you telling me this?

 **Justin:** Cuz we’re doing lunch in 15 mintues.

 **Justin:** Holy fuck! I’m hungry. I wanna doggy.

 **Justin:** HOTDOG!

 **Daphne:** Laughing so hard.

  


**28\. Best Party Place**

**Michael:** Did you decide where you want to hold your party?

 **Justin:** Yup! On our dick! It’s the biggest.

 **Michael:** Okay… ?

 **Justin:** Haha! Our deck.

  


**29\. The Worst Day**

**Justin:** I’m so over today! Can’t wait to get home.

 **Brian:** Anything special you want tonight?

 **Justin:** I just want you to fist me so hard  
I’ll forget about it.

 **Brian:** I had no idea you were into that.

 **Justin:** KISS! I totally meant kiss.

 **Justin:** But autocorrect made my day.

  


**30\. ER Visit**

**Brian:** Where in the hell are you?

 **Justin:** I spent the last 3 hours in ER.

 **Brian:** Why didn’t you call? What the hell happened?

 **Justin:** Gus sprayed his semen in my face  
and it got in my eye.

 **Brian:** What the actual fuck?

 **Justin:** Sillystring!

 **Justin:** Well, that was awkward.

 **Brian:** You scared me there for a second.

 **Brian:** I’m on my way to pick you up

  


**31\. New Hires**

**Justin:** Still stressful at work?

 **Brian:** You’ve no idea.

 **Justin:** I’m sorry. My offer still stands to help.

 **Brian:** What I need is to find a secretary –  
as slutty as possible!

 **Justin:** So you can bend him over the desk  
and destress? Lol

 **Brian:** I wrote – as soon as possible.

 **Brian:** Your idea doesn’t sound too bad, though.  
Wanna come over and demonstrate?

  


**32\. News about Molly**

**Mom:** I’ve got to tell you something.  
Are you sitting down?

 **Justin:** I am actually.

 **Mom:** Your sister was adopted!

 **Justin:** What? Why are you telling me this  
over a text and not calling me?

 **Justin:** I remember seeing you pregnant  
with her, anyway.

 **Mom:** Oh this damn phone! I wrote accepted!  
She got accepted to Yale!

 **Justin:** Whoa! Wow!

  


**33\. Home by Three**

**Brian:** Almost home, Sunshine!

 **Justin:** If you’re not here in five minutes,  
I’m licking your butt out!

 **Brian:** Good to know. I’m seven minutes  
from home. Prepare your skilled tongue.

 **Justin:** I meant – locking your ass out!

 **Justin:** Are you texting and driving?

 **Brian:** I’m holding you out for the rimjob when I get home.

  


**34\. Zoo Trip**

**Justin:** Hey Brian! Gus and I are just leaving the zoo.  
We’ll be home in 15.

 **Brian:** That’s nice! What was your favorite part?

 **Justin:** Definitely the pedophiles! Gus loved them.  
We watched people feed them, and then we talked  
about which ones he’d like to ride.

 **Brian:** You’re not allowed to take him to the zoo again!

 **Justin:** Shit! The crocodiles!!

 **Justin:** Brian? Sorry?

  


**35\. Shower Activity**

**Michael:** You better not be late!

 **Emmett:** Relax, sweetie! I’m just pooping in the shower.

 **Michael:** WHAT?

 **Emmett:** I’m still laughing. I meant I’m  
hopping in the shower.

 **Michael:** You freaked me out.

  


**36\. Christmas Decorations**

**Ben:** Where are we taking the decorations Deb sent us?

 **Michael:** Put them up my anus.

 **Michael:** Anus

 **Michael:** ANUS

 **Michael:** Fucking ATTIC!!

 **Ben:** The bin is huge and I don’t think it will  
fit in your anus, so the attic it is.

 **Michael:** Smart ass!

  


**37\. The Evil Sharpener**

**Brian:** Busy?

 **Justin:** In pain.

 **Justin:** I couldn’t find my good penis sharpener.  
I gave my hand a blister from twisting  
it so fucking much.

 **Brian:** Did you pay Anita a visit without me?

 **Justin:** HAHA! The best DYAC ever!!!

 **Justin:** My pencil, Brian.

 **Justin:** Christ. Can you imagine? Sharpening your dick?

 **Brian:** The mental image makes my dick soft.

  


**BONUS**

**Justin:** So I’ve been told I have OCD

 **Brian:** What does that stand for again?

 **Justin:** Obsessive clitoris disorder.

 **Brian:** Whoa! What the actual fuck, Sunshine?

 **Justin:** HAHAHA!!!

 **Justin:** Stupid phone. Obsessive compulsive disorder!

 **Brian:** I knew the obsessive disorder part.  
I always forgot what C stood for.

 **Justin:** Clitoris, apparently. Hahaha

 **Brian:** You’re sleeping on the couch!

 **Justin:** Obsessive cocksucking disorder?

 **Brian:** Much better.

**Author's Note:**

> Had fun? =)


End file.
